A Second Chance- Chapter 1

Okej, här kommer första kapitlet. Det är på engelska. Skriv gärna vad du tycker om det. Men tänk på att detta är första gången jag skriver så ha inte för höga förväntningar. Och om du inte förstår engelska så bra så är det ju bara att klistra in det i Google Translate. Ha en bra läsning!

”Where am I?” I looked around, I was inside. There were smells here. Same smells as from the meadow. Then I realized something. I wasn’t dead! The big guy, Felix, was about to kill me when everything went black. What happened? “Hello?”  I almost whispered afraid that the ones in black may hear me. Then kill me. “Don’t be afraid, you are safe here” a calm voice said. I recognized it as Carlisle. I looked around and saw him standing next to a woman.  “I’m Carlisle if you don’t know. And this is Esme, my wife.” His wife? Vampires didn’t get married! “Your wife?” “Yes, Carlisle is my husband.” She had a voice of a mother, it was warm, and it made me warm, even if I was cold as ice. “But, but, I’m not dead? Why am I here?” “Felix was just about to destroy you, when Esme...” he nodded at her to continue. “When I said stop, I couldn’t watch it. I couldn’t watch what they were going to do whit you.  You are just an innocent little girl. You can’t be old?” she said as a question. “Almost four months.” It hasn’t been so long at all, I’m just four months. But whit Riley’s group, four months is a very long time.  “No, I mean in human years. “ “Ooh, fifth teen.” “So little” Esme whispered for herself. Then Carlisle continued to explain how I could be alive. “Esme got down on her knees for you. She bag them to not kill you. “Now Carlisle and Esme looked each other in the eyes, and I saw true love. And the thought that she got down on her knees for me was overwhelming.  “They let you go; we never thought it would be happen. When we later were about to tell you that it’s all okay , we thought you was just scared and had closed your eyes, but we discovered that you had fainted, I didn’t know a vampire could faint, I got really surprised there!” he chuckled. “So we took you here, and you have been gone for three hours.” Did I faint? How humiliating! If I was a human I would blush right now, but I don’t have any blood in my veins so…. Blood. Ooh my throat started to hurt so badly! “I’m thirsty” I squeezed out. “Ooh, here you have” Esme said reaching a bag out to me. I grabbed it fast, cut a hole whit my nail and drank. Then I felt the taste. It wasn’t what I expected.  “What is this?” I asked, because this wasn’t human blood.  “I know it’s not human blood. It’s from a grizzly bear.” Ooh, that must explain their yellow eyes. They don’t drink human blood.  “It’s not that I don’t like it, but it taste weird.”  But I was so thirsty that I continued to drink the grizzly blood. I drank the whole bag, even the last drop.  And I wanted more.  They were still watching me. So I asked. “Can I have more blood?” “Of course, come out here.”

 I followed them, and got into a room which was bigger than my last house!  “Wow, it’s big in here!” “He he, yeah we are a large family.” I looked around and saw that the room was full of vampires.  “Bree let me present Edward, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmet.” “Hi” I said nervously, “Hi” they all repeated Even if Jasper said it kind of quiet. “Look how little and cute she is.” I heard Rosalie whisper to Emmet.  “I know but she can take care of herself I think” Emmet responded to her, whit a smile. “Have a seat Bree, Esme will soon come whit more blood.” Carlisle said and pointed at the cough. “Thanks” Then I sat there a while and studied all of them, Edward just stood there whit his eyes fast at one point that didn’t exist. Alice and Jasper where kissing and whispering things to each other. They looked so cute together.  Carlisle were reading a book, Esme she was out getting more blood for me. Rosalie and Emmet walked out for a while ago. What really happened in the meadow? Most of all I remember that human. I saw a movement in the corner of my eye. Edward was now watching me. The mind reader, I bet he is reading my mind really carefully now. Was that a nod I saw from him? Okay it was a nod. It was boring here; all I could do was to just sit here. And I was so thirsty! Suddenly Edward was right beside me. “Esme is soon coming back whit some more blood. I hope you don’t mind that it’s not human blood” “It’s fine” but I was so thirsty, it wouldn’t be fine. Ooh no, he can read my minds. “Its fine I promise, I’m just so thirsty! It will be good whit animal blood, I don’t need human blood.” I started to babble. “Calm down, we know it’s not easy. We all have been through that too. Jasper...” he said and pointed at Jasper. “…is still having a struggle whit it. But Alice is a good help for him. “I still didn’t understand, in the meadow it was almost impossible, and I was threatened to death if I even touched her. And they all was like one meter away from her. “But how can you stand it, I’m sorry but that girl at the meadow smelled so god. How do you handle it?” His face softened. “Because I love her, I love her whit my whole heart”, he said that whit such a soft velvet voice that I was like hypnotized. But how can he love ha human. And how can he resist killing her? “I could never hurt her. I would hurt myself by hurting her.” And whit that said he left. I watched him as he went out the door. He was beautiful, but nothing for me.

 Then Esme came in, holding a glass in her hand.  “Here you have Bree. I didn’t get grizzly blood, but it’s from a puma. Hope you don’t mind.” I took the glass she hold out for me, and started to drink. This blood tasted a little bit sweeter, but I liked the grizzly blood better. But the most improtnant was that it calmed down my throat. My thirst didn’t hurt anymore now, that’s good. I was just sitting there whit nothing to do. Holding the glass in my hand. It was green, and the inside was colored red by the blood.  All the others were talking to each other, fixing stuffs and things like that. “Why can’t I come over to you?” I heard a voice, but it wasn’t from here. “She is here;  and she would go crazy if you came here.” Then I saw it was Edward talking in the phone. It must be the human girl he was talking to. “Can’t you come home to me?” She really wanted him. “Jasper don’t trust her, he wants me to watch her.” He said and looked at me. “I don’t think she’s going to do anything, but Jasper is suspicious. He doesn’t want to take any risks.” He added, I think he did that just to win my trust. And he did.  “Ok, I get it. I’ll just have to find something to do. Love you.” She said that whit a disappointed voice. “Love you to.” He said. I wished I had a friend; I had one before the fight. Fred, but he would only wait for one day. But maybe I should look for him anyway? I completely forgot everything else and  stood up and was going to run away to search for him when an arm grabbed me and pushed me down in the floor. It was Jasper. “And where do you think you are going?” he said, I bet this was just what he had waited for. Suddenly I felt so calm; I didn’t want to do anything. “I must find Fred; he said he would be waiting for me one day. I know it has already gone one day but I can track him by his scent. And it wouldn’t be so hard. His scent is disgusting.” They all looked at me in wonder. “Wait a second, who is this Fred?” Jasper asked. Ooh, I forgot to explain that.  “Victoria made him to a vampire to, he’s a newborn, but he expected that they didn’t tell us the truth. And he didn’t want to be a brick in Riley’s game.  So he ran away. I don’t know where he went but he would wait for me in Vancouver for one day. He was going to leave a mark in, something Riley….” Ooh why couldn’t I remember? “… Riley Park!”  When Carlisle got into the room Jasper backed away from me. “So now we know you want to find Fred, but before that you must tell us how they did all this. We want to hear the whole story.” I noticed that Carlisle was really curious. But I had a deal if he wanted to hear the story. “I can tell you if you promise me, that I can go and look for Fred after I told you. Do you promise?” I looked at him hopefully. “Okay, but one of us will come whit you. Now tell me, how did you become a vampire?”

Okay, let’s start. “Riley didn’t turn us into vampires, Victoria did. Riley just picked us up and took us to her. It was dark, then all I can remember was pain, for almost three days my whole body was on fire.  Then he took me to the other vampires. It was like hell there, he told us, that we would explode if we walked out in the sun, so in the days we all were stuck in the basement. And there was always a fight going on. I wanted to be alive so I hide behind Fred. No one noticed him, because he has a gift. Just like Edwards, he can make you feel ill, and I mean very ill. No one could look at him. But in one way he accepted me and I couldn’t feel anything. And I survived there. Then when it got close to the day of the fight, we trained in the night. Made up tactics and things like that. Then we came to you and fought.” I left some things out, like about me and Diego. It wasn’t necessary for them to know that. “Fred left us, just before the fight. I didn’t because I had to look for a person.” “Who was that?” Carlisle asked. “Diego, he discovered that we can be out in the sun. He said that to Riley, but Riley killed him.” I remembered that day in the cave, when I thought I would explode in the sun. I thought Diego would explode, but then in the sun; it was like thousands diamonds on my skin. It was beautiful. I was beautiful. “Did he tell all the others to? How could the rest go out in the sun?” Carlisle asked a lot of questions, but I didn’t mind. I hadn’t talked a lot for a while. “Riley said that there were four days a year we could go out in the sun. Everyone was very skeptical about that, but they got out after a while. And he said that you guys didn’t knew that we knew. So we would have an advantage against you. But we didn’t know that there were werewolves involved. So there wasn’t we that had an advantage, it was you. ”  I remember when I saw them, I got really surprised then. And they had this awful smell. But that was nothing against Fred. “They didn’t really tell you the truth.” “Yea, I know, I kind of found that out by myself.” I said whit a smile.

 “So…” I didn’t know if I should rush it so, but I wanted to see him. “… can I go and search for Fred now?” I looked at Carlisle. “Yes, but there are some things you must know first, some rules. For the first, you can’t reveal yourself for the human. Ore else the Volturi will come and….. kill you.” “Volturi? Who are they?”I had never heard that name before.  “They were the ones in the meadow, they whit the black caps.” Ooh, I definitely didn’t want to get in trouble whit them. Just to think of the pain Jane’s smile caused, made me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t reveal myself. “Of course you can show yourself in daylight, if there’s no sun. But wear contacts then. “Carlisle said. “We have some contacts, if you would like to have them you can.” It was Alice who said that, that was the only thing she said, I have never heard her talk before that. She had a smooth voice. “Yes, thanks.”  “Will you continue too drink animal blood? I hope you do.” “I think I will, but it will be hard.” “I know, but you will do fine, or won’t she Alice.” I looked at Alice; she stood still as a statue and looked straight forward. How could she know?  “Right now she will, but if she change her mind I don’t know.” She said still standing still as a statue. “How can she know that?” I was confused. Alice could see if I was going to drink animal or human blood? That’s weird. And before, when I was going to run away, I suddenly felt so calm. Is that she too?? Edward must have read my mind, because he had a fast answer. “It’s their gifts; Alice can see the future right now. And Jasper can control what all the persons in the same room feel.” Ooh surprise, they all have gifts. “Cool.” I wonder what I would do if I could see in the future. Then I came up whit something. I didn’t have a gift. I felt kind of sad; I also want to be special. “Don’t worry, there’s only Alice, Jasper and I who has gifts “ “And now we are ready to let you go, but not alone. Who will come whit her?” Carlisle looked around in the whole room, on everybody. “I won’t, I got to take care of Bella.” Edward said. “I can, I’m sure Emmet doesn’t mind to come whit me to.” At first Emmet seemed a bit surprised then he gathered himself. “Of course I don’t mind. When are we going?” Now Emmet was exited, I saw it on him. “Whenever you are ready.” Carlisle said.

sonaZ » 2010-07-08 | 21:47:57
URL: http://sonaz.blogg.se/

Riktigt bra om jag får säga det själv,

några små saker skulle jag dock vilja nämna. För det första tror jag att det skulle vara lättare att läsa om du gjorde inläggstexten lite större. Jag var tvungen att zooma in med hjälp av min webbläsare. Du har gjort ett bra jobb i stora drag, men trots det känns det lite som att läsa en vägg av text, om du förstår vad jag menar :) Det stavas "with" och inte "whit", men det hade jag också problem med ett bra tag :P Nu när jag skulle kommentera upptäckte jag att "kommentera här" och resten av "rubrikerna" här är vita, det kanske du skulle kunan ändra på.

Du skriver bra och detaljerat, och du har utmärkt engelska. Det är bra att du lever dig in i historian, och jag uppskattade till exempel delen där Bree tänker på skillnaderna mellan grizzlyblod och pumablod, det gör att texten känns mer... Från hennes perspektiv, inte bara om henne. Jättekul att läsa! Du är definitivt författarmaterian ;)

Milica » 2010-07-09 | 00:57:37

Äntligen, äntligen någon som skriver på ENGELSKA och inte svenska!! :D

Det är jättebra skrivet, men det du kan träna på är att skriva mer detaljerat och att lägga i mer känslor, bekriva hur huvudpersonen känner sig, så att man lär känna karaktären mer. Nu vet jag inte hur gammal du är, men du är jätteduktig. Jag vet att du kan och KOMMER skriva mycket bättre långt fram.

Som sagt, jättebra skrivet :D

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